Being “Filled” to “Feel”

March 12 was the hardest day of my life. This was the day a part of me was lost. The day when I forgot how to breathe. This was the day I had to say good-bye to my mother. While I knew that day would eventually come, eventually happened before I was ready. Honestly, I don’t know how one really becomes “ready” to say goodbye to anyone you love. As I held her hand, watched her take her last breath, I felt a part of me was snatched from me. As she took her last breath, I held my breath. As her heart stopped beating, a part of my heart stopped beating. As her life on this earth ended, a part of me seemed to die too. Where do I go from here? How do I keep going, when the person who has loved me before I knew myself, was gone? How do I keep going, when my very world has been shattered? 

As my family and I gathered her things, and left the hospital room, nothing seemed real anymore. I watched the world continue to move, and I had to move as well. I moved almost parallel to the world around me.  It was as if I was watching a movie. I saw myself moving, but did not “feel” myself moving.  I watched as the world around me moved, but nothing seemed real. I felt empty.  There was a huge void that was now in my life. I didn’t know how or what was going to fill this void. Honestly, I didn’t know if I would even feel anymore, or even if I wanted to feel again. I was just numb. 

As the tears flowed, and honestly still flow, I realized that feelings were there, and are still coming. The feelings ranged from sadness, hurt, loneliness, emptiness, anger, and disappointment. And to be honest, some of these feelings were directed to God. After all, He’s in control of it all, so why didn’t He heal mom the way I wanted Him too?  Why did He take her from me? Where do I go from here?  How does the “all” in Romans 8:28 “all things work together for good..” work out here? I had, and honestly still have, so many questions. The biggest question: “why”? 

As I am walking this journey, and seeking answers, I have to remember that while she’s my mom, she belonged to Him first and always. I have to remember, not only does she belong to Him, so do I. He wants to heal me. He has not left me. He wants to comfort me. He wants to hear from me. He has never left me, and is with me, even in the midst of my tears, hurt, anger, disappointment, and feeling of loneliness.  He is not only with me, but the Holy Spirit is in me. In order to get back to “feeling” I must allow Him to “fill” me. 

As my tears flow, I’m working to allow God to comfort me. As the weeping happens, I remember joy comes in the morning. As I begin stepping into the morning, I remember the joy of the Lord is my strength. As I take a deep breath, I’m allowing Him to fill me once again. This is a daily journey I am walking. Slowly, but surely, I am learning to breathe again.  I cannot do it in my own strength, but must rely on God, who wants to heal me.

My prayer today is: Thank You Lord for loving me. Thank You Lord for caring. Thank You for never leaving me. You have been here, waiting for me to turn back to You. Lord, You are where I can get my peace and comfort. You are where I will find healing and restoration. Thank You Lord for comforting me. Thank You for helping me to breathe again. Thank You Lord for filling me, so I may feel again. In Jesus name, Amen!

You may be like me, where you are in a place where you feel empty, depleted, alone. Perhaps you are in a space where you are still holding your breath, and searching for answers.  Take a deep breath in. Now out. Deep breath in again. Now out. Cry out to the Father. He sees all, knows all, and cares. He is waiting for us to let Him in, to fill us, so we can feel again.